well.. today is the 31st of december 2005.. in 13 hours time.. we will bid farewell to 2005 n welcome 2006..
-----
for all that i could remember, 2005 had been an enriching year.. there were many changes to my life.. some of which i couldnt cope with.. but then there are the others where i'm glad i came to know of.. i think i grew up in a way.. however.. i fall much greater too in another sense..
-----
things did not exactly turn out the way i hoped it had.. n i didnt react as well as i hope i did.. instead of that cheery girl i once knew.. i haf no idea wad i haf become to.. there were lots of time that i went searching for myself.. but when i finally pick myself up in a way.. i fall the other way.. it's probably a sort of punishment for me..
-----
but through all these.. i realise those that i really need are always there for me.. it's just up to me to open up and take that step to look for them.. they'll always stand by me.. giving me the encouragement n support that i need.. sometimes it actually turns out to be me who resists help.. me who isolate myself from others.. i always say i cannot help it.. it feels a natural thing to be doing.. but in reality, i'm the one who is not giving others a chance.. i'm the one who is keeping to myself.. really got to thank all those who stood by me .. that simple sms or tag u leave here n there really warm my heart and make me feel alot better when i'm sad..
-----
trying to hide that tear with a smile.. well.. i suppose many just see the smile.. maybe it's only human nature to see only what they want to see.. n this is normally only the good n happy things.. sometimes when we are happy, we just assume everyone else to be feeling the same.. or sometimes we just pretend that we never see the truth and hope we will escape from it.. or that person will just feel better.. how much of us do we want others to see.. how much will we open up to let others see that real person inside us.. many times we keep it to ourselves cox we do not want others to see us as weaklings or to see our flaws.. we want others to see us as the perfect beings.. that little angels.. but in reality, who doesnt make mistakes.. it's those reactions from others that makes one ashame of making mistakes than to learn from mistakes.. when a person makes a mistake, do we look at the mistake they haf made or do we look at the things they haf done rite.. not praising them for what they haf done right n only criticising them for what they had done wrong.. will only make them to give up hope n lose self esteem.. they would probably feel that they can never do anything right.. would you criticise or praise..
-----
2006:to laugh like i used to.. to smile cause i want to.. to talk like i'm made to.. dont want to breathe cause i have to but breathe cause i want to.. dont want to cry cause i'm sad but cry cause i'm happy.. dont want to live like i need to but live like i cant wait for tmr.. dont want to eat cause i have to but eat cause i like to.. basically.. i want to find my real self.. to find me back.. so that i can love truthfully.. and live happily..
melie
11:11 am
tonight gonna have a extended family gathering to celebrate dong ji.. the chinese version of christmas.. haha.. got tang yuan to eat le.. heh.. then got my favourite satay chicken to eat too.. haha.. so wonderful... cant wait.. my mouth watering already.. haven even eaten breakfast though.. haha..
-----
got my first christmas present yesterdae from boss.. haha.. hey.. but i haven gotten my long overdue bdae present.. haha.. oh well.. but i got what i wished for.. so still ok.. haha.. corrinne may's cd.. cool leh.. the songs all very nice.. haha.. thanks boss.. haha.. think that 11 diamond heart shape pendent very cool eh.. haha.. platinum necklace some more.. hahahahaha... ok.. tease u until here.. hahaha... but that conversation in the car about that very same topic is not very yet over.. hahaha...
-----
3 more days to christmas..
-----
'They say that love is letting go
I hope that you find your way' -- Every Beat of My Heart by Corrinne May
(is this really true.. how true is it?)
melie
11:53 am
i'm just living like christmas is tmr.. haha.. just love the festive mood.. i remember when i was young, i always get to choose that christmas gift from any shopping centre that my parents bring my bro n i too.. then the both of us will choose a toy that we want.. but as we got older, we were given a budget.. so sometimes we could get 2 toys instead of 1.. haha.. then we will happily carry our toys to the gift wrapping session.. haha.. after getting home, my bro n i will place the toys under the christmas tree.. heh.. then we'll look forward to christmas day where we can finally open the toys n play.. hehe.. christmas is also a season to put up the christmas tree n decorate the house.. haha.. though the stuff we put on the tree is the same but i remember once i tried making new ornaments from an art supply i gained interest in.. heh.. worked out not too bad.. haha.. but as my bro n i got older and after we moved to the new house, we didnt have a christmas tree anymore.. left it at the old house.. we didnt get christmas presents from our parents like before.. heh..
-----
christmas doesnt seem as fun as before.. walking down the main shopping area dont really give me as much festive season as before.. the decorations started lagging somewhere after the economic downturn a few years back.. but i still enjoy seeing the lightings.. heh.. but this year i have yet to really see the lightings.. heh.. have to find someone to go.. heh..
-----
6 more days to christmas.. in which i'll be spending at the far end of the country.. with my family.. was kinda excited at first.. but the excitement kind of wear off.. so for christmas, who should this day be spent with?
-----
sometimes, i feel i do things to purposely hurt people feelings.. i just do it so that i will feel happy.. or more like i think i'll feel happy.. but will i feel happy at the end of the day.. i just wanna piss that person off.. i just like to do things the opposite way.. make u feel the way that i'm feeling.. like the chinese saying 'yi ya huan ya' .. heh.. since u dont bother, y should i.. heh..
-----
oh well.. i shall feel happy.. maybe no time to meet u better.. heh.. christmas is a time to meet all the friends that i miss.. heh.. y should i bother to care if u dont.. hahaha... sAnTa is cOmn9 to ToWn!!!..
melie
6:02 pm
check out the new Corrinne May song i found.. the lyrics are somewhat descirbes me i think.. till i find another song that i can really relate to..
melie
9:44 pm
the definition of holidays have yet again became blur.. is it a time to relax.. a time to break from the regular work you have been doing ..a time for you to do things cox on the other days you cant do it.. because of all these.. i feel i dont know what i am doing again.. all these are suppose to be compulsory stuff that i have to do.. some are things i was once so enthusiastic about doing.. what happened?.. i keep asking myself this question.. but wad answers do i have?.. nothing.. brain dead.. lost in my own world.. getting tired more n more easily.. all i do now i think is isolating myself from anything that stresses me.. isolating myself from anyone also.. suddenly feel the need to feel the comfort from family.. guess they are the best people i can be with now.. there is really less stress being with them especially gu ma, diane jie jie.. ha.. or maybe a change of environment will do me good..
-----
i live by the day but yet i'm afraid of tomorrow.. confused
melie
8:59 pm
woohoo.. it has been ages ..tight up with school work.. has been n will always be.. almost suffer yet another session of breaking down.. well did a few times this term in school.. had trouble keeping up with all the work load.. talking about managing time.. i'm losing it.. when i lose it, hope just slips away too.. n when there's not much i can turn to.. i end up crying to sleep.. it makes me tired.. easier to fall asleep then.. not that it helps the next day cause i end up being tired also.. but sometimes i jux cant fall asleep.. my mind cant shut down.. then there'll be the days where i'm exhausted.. also dunno why.. it's unlike me to sleep through the night without realising that it's raining.. but it has happened more often.. sometimes i thought of escaping.. know it doesnt help in anyway but it gives comfort somehow.. as said during lifespan lesson.. sleeping in a position like a baby is really comfortable.. haha.. brings comfort..
guess i'm losing it soon.. my bro is like top 5% in his school for the first semester.. got 10 bucks from my dad.. heh.. i'm happy for him.. proud for him also cause this is like the first time he did well academically.. n his school mentioned his achievement or something.. hee.. great job didi.. keep up the good work.. but i didnt do well.. n my mom knows it.. now every one at home knows it.. heh.. not that i'm proud of wad i did.. but.. just losing that touch to score.. since everyone is doing so well.. there's someone who needs to score badly so that they would seem to do well isnt it..
melie
10:17 pm
