how do we know when to stop? i'm not sure of the answer myself.. i just stumbled upon the feeling.. my heart wants to close that chapter so that it will stop hurting.. everytime i feel sad.. there seem to be some in controllable tension in my heart.. like there's something squeezing my heart.. how do i convince myself to let it go.. i feel bad.. more for the fact others still haf to continue doing.. i feel bad for not doing anything worth mentioning.. i feel bad for seeing others suffer.. i feel bad for leaving them behind.. am i being fair to myself.. when we smile, the ones around us smile too.. i want to do that again.. find that laughter that comes naturally.. find that smile i left behind..
it's getting better.. sometimes.. when i forget that i'm involved in something.. when i'm with a different person.. different group of people.. i forget.. it's feeling better now.. after talking to someone online last night.. always listening.. never really expect that person to.. cause we are jux friends.. but then friends meant more than that.. i'm happy to have known him.. glad.. surprisingly he understands some stuff i think even those close to me seldom notice.. maybe it's the experience he has.. that's what friends are for.. isnt it..
jux remembered hafta go cut my grandpa's hair.. cant really find the time yet.. gosh.. find it really therapeutic to cut my grandpa's hair.. like it's the only thing i can do specially for him.. never did spend time with him when i was young.. just that he bought food for us.. share his stories occasionally.. but then that was all.. now.. he would share stories more often.. though sometimes not coherant to what we are talking about.. but then still like it.. time seems so precious now.. what if.. it almost did happen a few months back.. shock to the family.. just makes me sad thinking he's not that healthy anymore.. will he last to see me get married.. play with my children.. ha.. so long more.. will he.. i hope so.. i really do..
i feel happy to concentrate on studies.. n meet up with my friends.. i just enjoy doing that.. having meals with my family, grandpa, n everyone else in the extended family.. i really do.. at least i wont get judged.. not all the time.. i want to believe not all the time.. i want to..
melie
9:56 pm
