i once read a story.. a story of a person's life.. to date i still rmb.. those chapters of her life.. but in particular.. one chapter stood out.. it began something like this..
she had always found love something she could look forward to.. it was forbidden to some extent as she was young and studies had always been more impt.. she always dreamt of prince charming.. she first came into contact of that particular feeling when she chance upon her cousin's diary.. in it wrote her cousin's deepest secrets.. it wrote about the stuff forbidden in the family.. her cousin found out.. and hid it somewhere else.. but she always found it in the end.. she knew where's that locker key to open that cupboard.. somehow her cousin resented and allowed her to see it.. it was her cousin and her little secret.. sometimes they do not get to see each other.. that was their little way to update each other on what's happening.. it was the beginning of the cousins bond.. she always found that feeling so fascinating.. her cousin's frustration and the suspense to hide things kept her longing for one.. she knew she could never haf one now.. not till many years later..
she was never pretty to start off with.. dressed in pants and tshirt.. that was the only thing that ever existed in her woredrobe.. she was afterall almost a tomboy.. her short hair.. appearance wise.. she was never attractive.. she didnt haf time for relationships aniwae.. her packed schedule and strict routine.. she lived a life spread out nicely for her.. she had what she wanted.. she longed for someone to call her own.. but she knew that was out of the question..
as years passed.. she was different.. but the same.. crushes surfaced.. but never one did happen.. she was destined to be alone.. she wanted different but didnt dare.. fearing hurt was the main problem.. her frenz tried to match make her.. but that wasnt love she thought.. she was still living in her own fantasy world..
one day that all changed.. she was whisked off to another world.. she thought it was paradise.. it was an oasis.. and it disappeared before she knew it.. her world collapsed.. she didnt knew what to do.. all she could think off was only one thing.. she felt her world separating.. she could dissociate herself and think in many point of views.. that made her tired.. made her confused.. made her wish she could erased her past..
that chapter ended.. making me feel lost.. it felt like standing on thin rope.. i didnt wan the chapter to end like that.. i hate that story for that chapter.. wished i nv did read that chapter actually..
melie
9:38 pm
had a mini gathering of friends todae at my hse.. minli, albert, huifang, wenbin, yili, taion, weikhoon, jin hsien, yue chau, hannah.. they came.. somehow it became a little gathering for our batch of ventures..suppose to haf more poly frenz, scout frenz n jc n baoxian over.. but they not free or i didnt noe whether to ask.. ha.. helped my mom cooked the bee hoon.. simple fare of food.. after that we ate tidbits and crap and played cards.. yue chau was showing his card tricks to every gal and little kid he can find in my hse.. ha.. missed the times when i was back in jc.. malay dance n ventures took up most of the time.. liked those big groups of frenz.. my mom is happy i got frenz over.. i heard her telling my aunt that i seemed happier.. i'm glad she sees it this way.. and she was looking forward to see one person.. ha.. hf if u see this.. dont laugh.. ha.. my mom can rmb that person so vividly.. my god.. so long liao.. even to the details.. dots.. i was utterly shocked at wad she said last week.. my dad had even added to my mom's comment which made it even more ridiculous ..told that person and that person laughed too.. ha.. dunno whether to laugh or cry at that pt in time.. oh well..
hannah commented my new bed spread looks like winnie the pooh colours.. ha.. it's just coincidental.. though i like winnie the pooh.. but i think i already haf one pooh bear that i wan to share my bed wif.. haha.. soft n fluffy.. hee.. my room is how cluttered.. i wish i could haf it sophisticated.. one brown wall with gold painted flowers drawn on the corners.. haha.. i can contd imagining.. my self-sufficient room only lack a fridge.. if not my room is like a hostel room.. haha..
melie
10:04 pm
went to the temple on the first day of cny.. paid my respects to my 2 grandmas and grandpa.. though their photographs are so small.. but i still can see them.. it reminded me of the times when they were arnd.. everytime i stepped into the temple.. i am swept away in its calmness.. it's serinity.. though there were many people in the temple, i found peace.. as i prayed while holding on to the joss stick.. many things invaded my mind.. things that happened recently.. i wished them happie new year.. and hope for many things.. guess that's the only way i could express my wishes..
my yeye called me to his room yesterdae.. as i watched him reached to his cupboard to retrieve something.. emotions swept thru me.. seeing him grow old pains my heart.. he took out a red box.. like something someone would get on their wedding day.. he opened the box which had a rusty key.. inside was a mini mahjong set.. he say it was for me.. i didnt ask why.. but every year during new year.. he would give me someting.. the antiqueness of that thing seemed to draw me towards it.. it's something my grandpa chose to give me.. i'll surely keep it close to me.. though my mom may not like it.. somehow i wanted to cry when he gave me the thing.. like he giving out his possessions.. that feeling that the amount of time he has left is not much scares me.. oh well.. it's cny.. shouldnt be thinking about this kind of things aniwae..
melie
10:50 am
it's the 3rd day of chinese new year.. waiting for my friends n relatives to come over my hse for visiting.. my bro is helping my mom in the kitchen.. he snatched everything my mom asked me to do.. anithing.. fine wif me.. ha..
been home quite late recently when i'm out wif my frenz.. 11 plus 12.. ha.. somehow my mom understands.. of course.. i do call home to inform.. first day of cny.. went to airport to send yaozong off.. he gonna go melbourne to study medicine.. huifang was suppose to go but in the end she couldnt so i was the only gal that went.. met up wif taion, jinhsien, edwin khoo, weikhoon, dennis, yue chau at the airport.. my bro volunteered to stay wif me.. in which i think he wanted to meet jun who was coming back fr thailand.. oh well.. at least he accompanied me home.. we stayed till abt 11 at the airport.. the guys bought yz a mag for him to read on the plane.. we thought he would haf his whole family there.. in the end only his immediate family.. took some photos, drank some coffee.. then it got me thinking.. this would probably happen to me next yr.. leaving my family behind to further my studies.. but i think the only difference is that i haf a few frenz to go wif.. at least there is a few of us.. going alone can be scary i guess..
sometimes i dun understand why i do certain things to hurt myself.. guess i'm just finding that short lived excitement and comfort.. who would understand.. to feel happy and then pain again.. it's a vicious cycle..
melie
10:22 am
first time i'm up so late typing an entry.. my mom would disallow me to do so.. but she's watching korean drama now.. just got back jux b4 12.. minli n huifang n i had a talk that we never had.. in years i suppose.. the 3 of us.. heart to heart i suppose.. tears flowed.. truth n feelings poured.. i felt happy.. glad that they are here.. and will always be here for me.. this passed week had been difficult.. but i realise and felt alot of things..
god closed a window.. but open many others.. he even showed me the ones that were hidden but were actually opened all along.. he showed me the love that was available to me.. showed me that the world was a big net.. catching me when i fall.. giving me strength..
huifang: she was the one that came to my rescue when i called for help.. she rushed down to my hse, forgoing slp and time to study.. we talked.. hours.. her presence changed my mood abit.. she was by my side thruout this whole thing.. cause going home seem to be a common route or going for meetings.. she shared her thoughts.. msn, sms, calling.. wadever communication we tried.. ha.. without her.. i guess it was tough going thru it..
minli: she called me when she knew about it.. we talked like old times.. hearing her voice and her talking calmed me down.. it was just relaxing hearing her talk.. at least i dun wander off.. thinking of stuff i shouldnt be.. todae.. she told me to cry.. she listened to me talk.. she got me to say everything.. it was just relieving to release those emotions..
baoxian: though we dont meet up often.. i noe she's always there.. she's a special fren.. jus always there for me.. someone i can sms or call anitime.. offering the advice that she can.. just to noe that she's there for me.. i'm happy..
wenbin: he listens.. always.. hears my complains.. hears my sorrow.. he even offered to meet me when he heard abt it.. though he'll nv say what to do.. but he'll let me talk cock.. mayb even to just sit there quietly and stone..
chingsoon: another fren willing to listen or even talk to me just so i wont feel sad.. a fren that will stay wif me thru this moment..
zhilong: not sure how to describe him.. but a comforter.. someone who was willing to listen.. someone who accompanied thru that day.. someone who offered to send me to the doc's and home when i started vomitting for no reason.. someone who checked on me if i reached my destination without fainting.. he'll sms me time to time and check if i had my meals and tell me i'm dangerously losing weight.. asking me to eat more when i am trying to..
steve: my kor who is always supporting his mei!! yeah.. wonderful kor.. cause he's old.. he offers the best advice.. well not that best.. but the best he could gif.. crapping wif me when i'm bored.. telling me to ask him for permission b4 crying to slp.. ha.. if he nv reply me that means i cant cry.. but already done it twice.. hee.. though he very busy.. he still rmbs his mei.. i think da sao is so lucky to haf u!!
rina: she took the courage to ask me after asking bixia.. ha.. comforted me.. advicing me.. helping me to sort my thoughts.. b4 hands exam, we even crap for an hour.. though we were supposed to study.. she listened.. really glad i talked it out b4 going for the exam..
bixia: for her simple " jia youx!" at the start of my day.. felt shocked but touched at her gesture.. another fren added to my list of support group..
steph: for her advice during clinicals.. for msging at nite to cheer me up to study.. for listening to me vent my sorrows.. for listening to me sing along to those love songs the radio play.. for making fun at each other cox of that dear old uncle that we call our "husband"
junyi: for thinking of sending me home when i didnt feel well.. though in the end i didnt get sent home, he asked how i was after that.. talked crap wif me.. shared wif me of what he knew.. comforting me on what he knew..
john: for saying what he did b4 my hands exam.. msging hf to ask if i'm ok..
yinghui: for wishing me happie v dae.. but realising his mistake and comfort me instead..
chung ming: who wants to noe but doesnt haf the time or nv finds the rite situation.. try harder..
diane jie jie: for being there to hear me talk.. for saying that i can always talk to her.. for making me feel the family ties so strongly..
brother: for hugging me when i looked down.. for hugging me for no rum or reason.. for sending me a song that described my feelings.. for borrowing the vcd that i wanted.. for saying that he wanted to haf dinner wif me.. for wanting to share a drink wif me.. for coming to my room to just take a look at me.. for looking at my eyes and asked if i cried everynite.. for asking if i still wake up at 4 every nite..
parents:.. my mom for huggin me and telling me she loves me.. my dad for saying take it easy and let things take the natural course.. for if he's yours.. he will come back to u.. my dad for messing up my hair when patting me on my head.. for them to want to send me home or to anywhere i wan.. getting me to do things so it's all blocked up..
edwin: for letting me see the world more clearly.. for me to treasure what i wan more.. for closing that window on me..
i lost some.. but gain more than i could imagine.. they all cared for me.. friends.. family.. what more could i ask for.. thanks everyone.. if u're not mention, it's not that u r not impt.. cause my eyes haf dropped and my mind finally wans to shut down.. i hate darkness.. i hate the nights.. but thinking that i haf so many frenz that i can turn to.. gives me the strength to go on.. i'm trying to gain those weight i lost.. regain those nights i've lost.. cry when i want to.. but most of all.. learnt that love.. is from everyone.. i am loved, hugged and wanted..
melie
12:43 am
a song my bro gave me to listen.. nice..Step one you say we need to talk He walks you say sit down it's just a talk He smiles politely back at you You stare politely right on through Some sort of window to your right As he goes left and you stay right Between the lines of fear and blame And you begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life
Let him know that you know best Cause after all you do know best Try to slip past his defense Without granting innocence Lay down a list of what is wrong The things you've told him all along And pray to God he hears you And pray to God he hears you
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life
As he begins to raise his voice You lower yours and grant him one last choice Drive until you lose the road Or break with the ones you've followed He will do one of two things He will admit to everything Or he'll say he's just not the same And you'll begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life How to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
melie
12:30 am
i dunno wad to think of it animore.. he's doing things he nv did.. torn apart inside out.. lost 4kg within these few days.. appetite is just not there.. forcing myself to eat so that i wont get gastric.. he is always the first that comes to mind.. why is he doing these.. am i the one that caused him to be like that..
my mom somehow found something amiss so she created the situation for me to say it out.. my parents say it's ok.. my mom came to hug me for the first time in many years.. she tried comforting me.. saying all the positive things that she can.. i wish i could put it off lightly.. somehow the being friends just gone all wrong..
what is self-worth?.. am i not worthy enough..
melie
11:00 am
yesterdae was the last day i could say i love you.. though there is so much left hanging.. i guess we both nd time to cool off.. within a minute.. from a loved one u became just a friend.. i guess i can only stand by u now.. and wait.. cause i'll wait for the day.. we come back again.. i find strength in me to believe in this relationship.. and no matter what.. i wont let it end like this..
thanks jh.. i found my courage in him.. cause i still believe in him..
melie
3:28 pm
i always dream a fresh new start
where the snow melts
and the greens begin to show
i always dream of fresh nice air
where birds chirp
and trees swing to the rhythm of the wind
i always dream of a rainbow
a pot of gold
at the very end
i always dream a flickering candle
in that gloomy room
when the rain pours outside
i always dream to travel round
round the world
to see, feel, and touch
i always dream on a white sandy beach
building sand castles
and sun bathing
i always dream of old ancient castles
for me to explore
and to make believe
i always dream of president suites
room services and special treatment
if only i had that money
i always dream the sounds of hope
is at somewhere close
but not close enough for me to reach
i always dream on my bed
under the covers
when i'm fast asleep
9:33 pm
"I wanted always to appear strong and in control.... For many years I was a tough cookie. Then the cookie began to crumble." -- Chris Evert..
chance upon this quote when i was flipping through my quotes book recently to do up my frens' bdae cards.. when i saw this quote.. i felt so taken aback.. like it knew how i feel like that.. i wanted to come up with a post to explain how i feel recently.. but the words wouldnt come to my mind.. when this quote appeared, i knew this was wad i was going to post..
finally got a chance to talk to hf.. guess somehow my heart felt a little better.. someone else told me he wish i was emotionally stronger.. he said he thought gals only wanted guys to listen.. i wish he could do wad the normal guys wouldnt do.. haix..
melie
9:24 am
