for the past 7 weeks, it was a ride to hell and back again.. i am surprised myself that i manage to get thru these 7 weeks.. besides the part of losing appetite, weight, sleep and wadever not.. it was tough, tormenting to go thru these weeks.. there was reports, exams, attachment to face.. had to go thru all these.. an act i manage to put up for 7 weeks.. points of breaking down happened.. aniwae i haf been acting for the past 21 years haven i, melissa? taking out the mask i shelved 1 and half years ago and put it on again.. it was different.. the mask doesnt fit again.. had to alter the mask to fit the present.. i'm the best actress anione can find ya..
i haf a strong character.. stubborn to be exact.. that's wad everyone expects to get from you.. even after such a thing happened to you, they expect you to be up on ur feet the very next moment and be that strong gal again.. just like my jie said.. ppl get tired being strong.. living up to expectations is tiring, it just sucks away all the energy u haf.. especially being emotionally drained, it more difficult to live up to expectations.. vulnerabilities haf been a taboo.. once u appear strong to others, u can no longer live a life to show others that u r weak.. when a strong person shows their vulnerability, they get hurt more when things go wrong.. who would understand this but only themselves.. the amount of pain they'll feel.. they think twice in showing their vulnerability again.. but sometimes they dun realise that there are ppl like them around too.. been thru the same thing as them.. willing to listen and open up but nothing will get them to show their weakness animore.. no matter what u say.. u'll probably end up feeling like a loser when u r their friend or loved ones.. what kind of fren are you when u cant get your fren to even talk..
melie
12:22 pm
it's the 101 post in my blog.. just read a blog of a close one.. den it got me thinking..
haf i been playing a role i should be well.. a granddaughter, daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend..
holding the hand of the ah ma yesterdae got me thinking of my own grandparents.. i never got to hold my grandma hands .. i almost teared at the thought of it.. i didnt get to do alot of things i wanted wif them.. now there's only ye ye left.. but how often do i see him?.. wad if it turns into another regret in my life again..
the daughter of my parents.. i dun help out in housework most of the time, didnt learn driving, never did anything special on their birthdays, .. filial piety?.. haven lived up to that role.. wad kind of daughter am i?
wad kind of sister am i to my bro? when i never realise he cried and didnt sleep well a few months last year.. didnt give him the hugs he wanted, didnt comfort him when i should have, didnt realise something was amiss.. blinded in my own world.. but he gave me the hugs, the comfort, wadever i wanted he gave me.. bad sister..
friend.. how many i left out in my life.. didnt provide the comfort they needed.. never showed concern for them.. never really been a friend i should have.. wad haf i done to say i was a fren of theirs..
..girlfriend.. ?.. wad did i do wrong? demanded too much attention? missing you when u're not beside me? calling you when i feel down? crying to you when life doesnt seem right? not smiling when i'm not happy? when your presence, voice just washes away all the fears, sadness and brings comfort and joy just to noe that u r there..
"its so much easier to give up den to give in
Yet its so much easier to depend than to be independ."
found in another person's blog
melie
1:51 pm
his time was up.. i could still remember seeing him on my first day.. his first few words were no la.. i could still imagine him waving his hand.. "no la" were the only few words he could mutter for the condition he suffered from took away his speech.. he could understand wad we all said.. but few understood what he tried to say.. he was hard getting his trust.. understand what he tried to say or do.. the first week was tortue .. he ordered us to do stuff for him.. my sup say to ignore him cause he can be aggressive.. but steph wanted all to understand him, make friends.. that was our goal.. at the end of 6 weeks, uncle no la would be a friend of ours.. he was.. it started i think last week or the week before, he let us guess wad he wanted.. or we understood wad he wanted to say.. i was happy that he saw us as his friend.. joking wif him, talking to him.. we were like frenz..
for 3 years, he would turn up at the centre without fail.. todae was the first day that he didnt come.. i tot it was cox he's sick cause he was yesterdae.. little did we all expect him to just go like that.. he was afterall not old.. tears just trickled down my cheek when i heard the news.. i said i might cry when i left the centre on fri.. but i didnt expect such a thing to happen.. i cried cause suddenly the centre felt empty.. there will be no more laughter, sounds of no la, scenes of him sitting on the plint waiting for therapy, no more guessing what he's trying to say.. aunt M said at least he didnt suffer much.. he went in peace.. she said he wanted to die.. suicide was constantly on his mind.. just like that he left the world.. but not cause he commited suicide.. everyone in the centre was lost for words... tears, silence filled the place.. i felt the pain even though i only knew him 6 weeks.. but what about those that knew him 3 years..
melie
8:22 pm
i got back some of my sleep i think.. slept at 9.30pm on wed nite n 10pm on thurs nite.. 8-9 hrs of sleep.. just to wake up feeling more tired.. when nite time falls.. my body just feels tired.. the mind just wans to shut down n not think of it.. but it's like the mind is split into two.. one half wans to keep awake.. waiting for something that might not come.. the other half is slowly dying, wans to just sleep.. i dunno if i'm confused.. it's like eating dark chocolate.. bittersweet..
an uncle asked me on fri during lunch.. why i seem so lost.. how come they can notice so much when i already tried hiding.. i couldnt answer why.. just putting on a weak smile and say i'm just tired.. guess i'm glad i got posted to this centre.. going thru this phase of life wasnt easy esp since it came as a shock to me.. all the uncles and aunties just force me to smile at them each day.. it's hard not to be happy for them.. some of them are depressed at the fact that they are what they are today.. i cant see myself making them feel more sad.. i could only suppressed my feelings and cheer them up.. to see some of the uncles and aunties smile back at you, hold tightly to your hand, it'll just touch your heart.. thinking that i haf one more week with them pains my heart abit.. i might just cry when i say my last goodbye to them..
recently, had a fren at work asked my fren n i how we celebrated our birthdays last yr.. cracking my brain hard, i tried to recall.. sounds stupid yea.. but i couldnt rmb much.. only that i celebrated wif him the day before n what he gave me.. we started on that topic cause that fren just celebrated his gf's bdae the day before and gave her a surprise.. he was saying how it should be a memorable one esp since it was the first time they spent it together.. steph reminded me on how last yr that jacket made me blushed everytime someone asked who gave it to me.. how much that jacket means to me.. how much comfort that jackets gives when he's not arnd.. to me.. it didnt matter what i do on my bdae.. but the person i get to spend wif matters the most.. dairies are my only recollections of the past.. i can never express myself out verbally therefore i always write..
solace
melie
11:05 am
think i'm reaching maximum capacity soon.. been quite quiet todae.. even a client of mine notice the difference.. guess only he will notice.. he always does.. mayb he's just the only who says it out loudly.. i can feel the fatigue setting in.. but why when i slp for 7 hrs each day.. i try very hard to appear cheerful, bright, happy, lively, bubbly.. but it drains me out even more.. my heart feels heavy now.. the whole day's event has i dunno.. what has it done to me..
it's hard to say out animore.. it hurts inside.. cause i kept too much.. almost burn my fingers, torn apart when my uncle dont wanna do stuff, got scolded cause i raised my voice.. help..
quietly weeping inside me.. to slp..
melie
8:03 pm
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to question even if it doesn't make any sense.
4. Tag 10 people to play this game too. _______________________________________________________________________________
1. How are you feeling today?
Tanya Chau & Stephanie Sun — Yuan Dian
as slow as the melody perphaps.. as heavy as the tone of the singers.. quite true to a certain extent2. Will you get far in life?
Twins – Wo Hen Xiang Ai Tai
not sure how far.. hopefully far enough.. this song is nice.. lyrics speaks the heart..3. How do your friends see you?
Kelly Clarkson – Breakaway
hee.. probably.. "out of the darkness, and into the sun"..4. Will you get married?
Kelly Clarkson – Since You Been Gone
gosh.. wad's this suppose to mean?.. 5. What's your best friend's theme song?
Linda Ronstadt & Aaron Neville – Don’t Know Much
ha.. this is love song leh.. like abit funny.. ma.. 6. What's the story of your life?
Alicia Keys – Wake Up
gosh am i sleeping so much.. ha.. do i always haf to be on guard..7. What was high school like?
Don’t noe who’s the singer -- And That’s What Hurts
not exactly true.. ha.. cause i spend most of the time studying.. 8. How can you get ahead in life?
Jay Chou & Wen Lan – Zhu Wo Shen Ri Kuai Le
how can i get ahead in life?.. look forward to my bdae party? haha.. i'm not going to be lonely or sad on that day.. i'll be touched, happy..9. What's the best thing about your friends?
Michael Jackson – You Are Not Alone
this is the best song for this question..with my frenz, i'm never alone..10. What's in store for this weekend?
Fan Wei Qi – Chang Tou Fai
gosh.. i got no chang tou fai.. ha.. it's not even going to be close this weekend to wad the song says..11. What song describes you?
The Ten Tenors – Italian Medley
i dun even understand wad the lyrics saying leh.. 12. What song describes your grandparents?
Not sure who sang this – The Rose
y never ask parents ask grandparents one.. my grandpa is like a rose?13. How is your life going?
Kelly Pan Jia Li – You Xie Ai
mayb.. haha.. 14. What song will they play at your funeral?
5566 – Yi Qi Mao Xian
haven even heard this song before la.. gosh.. i wan another song.. heard a few that can be played at my funernal next time.. ha..15. How does the world see you?
Backstreet Boys – Shape of My Heart
that's interesting to know.. 16. What do your friends really think of you?
Corrinne May – Free
do u all really think the way the song says.. haha..17. Do people secretly lust after you?
Jay Chou – Ye Qu
i dunno..
wad's jay chou trying to say?.. haven catch wad he's singing yet..18. How can you make yourself happy?
Corrinne May – O Come All Ye Faithful
erm.. look forward to christmas? cause this is a christmas song.. ha..19. What should you do with your life?
The Corrs – Forgiven Not Forgotten
to forgive and not forget.. true i suppose..20. Will you ever have children?
Corrinne May – O Come O Come Emmanuel
wad's the link to children?..
melie
9:20 pm
i noe this post would cause some of my frenz to be angry at me.. but then.. it's difficult to keep inside me.. i used to haf someone to talk to everyday.. a listening ear.. ur better half as some would put it.. as it has come to an end.. i haf nothing more than myself now at nite.. so the thoughts sometimes just stay inside me.. like how it used to.. i must say.. it's tough.. i didnt realise i was losing weight again until yesterdae when i weighed myself.. lost that 3.5kg that i gained back not long ago.. to tell everybody the truth.. i haf been eating.. i'm not aneroxic or bulimic.. time just flies when i eat now.. i take longer.. chew longer.. and i always feel the food stuck at my throat after i finish.. one packet of rice seem too much for me now.. my stomach rumbles.. and everytime i cough.. i always pray i dun puke.. cause now.. even a cough induce vomitting.. tears welled up in my eyes everytime i try to prevent myself from vomitting.. feeling stress.. upset.. afraid just worsen the whole condition.. i really dun wanna see my specialist again.. it'll cost a bomb.. n i dun wanna rely on medication for the rest of my life.. he told me to manage my stress but i couldnt.. i'm a failure sometimes..
i'm tired.. i sleep abt 6-7 hrs a day.. but when i wake up, it feels like i didnt sleep the whole nite.. having to work in this condition toughens it more.. when i sleep, i can no longer tell if i'm dreaming or it's me that's thinking of things.. i'm like between the real world and dreamland.. i wake up feeling more stress, more upset, more afraid.. melissa, are you really ok?
i almost flare up at a client just now.. i was seeing myself raising my voice.. why.. she was unmotivated and it made me too.. i wanted to gif up.. i was begging her to do things.. when i was doing all that.. a voice at the back of my mind was questioning the rest of me.. "wad am i doing? how can i shout at a client? stop it melissa, stop it.. where's ur patience melissa? where's that smile u haf on melissa?" i really wanna answer those questions.. guess it makes a difference when a loved one ask u how was ur day.. how was work? what did you do? only i knew that importance.. it was difficult to convey in words how great that person was.. but was i even good in the first place.. maybe that's why i'm not worth his loving..
to channel all the anger, frustration, hatred.. that negative feelings to love somebody.. makes life different.. i lived in my own world.. one important thing i learnt in the relationship was to trust wad he said, it got me going, got me loving him more.. but it was trust that tore my heart apart.. but trust is wad still keep me alive..
loving somebody.. u loved before.. but wad if cause u're loved before, u are already history..
melie
8:28 pm
was listening to radio today.. oh well.. my attachment place plays the radio everyday.. it's either class 95 or gold 90.. aniwae today's gold 90.. so it's the oldies and all genre.. mainly the old love songs.. the songs i noe i always sing along.. ha.. oh well.. i grew up listening and singing to those.. cant help it.. it's after coming to this place that the lyrics seemed more evident to me.. like suddenly the singers sing more clearly.. last time i focused more on the melody.. but now.. the lyrics strikes my mind instantly.. this song i heard todae is still ringing thru my mind.. "right here waiting".. not sure why.. but somehow.. it stood out.. besides this song i also heard abba song.. i was reminded of this song also cause of wad yaozong said on his blog.. how true.. i wouldnt agree more.. nite times and weekends are tormenting.. it's like u look forward to them cause it means rest but somehow u cant control ur mind.. it runs wild like how yz puts it.. so here's the lyrics..
by Richard Marx
Oceans apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain
If I see you next to never
How can we say forever
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
I took for granted, all the times
That I though would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now
Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' CrAzY
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
I wonder how we can survive
This romance
But in the end if I'm with you
I'll take the chance
Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' cRaZy
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
melie
6:47 pm
