i noe this post would cause some of my frenz to be angry at me.. but then.. it's difficult to keep inside me.. i used to haf someone to talk to everyday.. a listening ear.. ur better half as some would put it.. as it has come to an end.. i haf nothing more than myself now at nite.. so the thoughts sometimes just stay inside me.. like how it used to.. i must say.. it's tough.. i didnt realise i was losing weight again until yesterdae when i weighed myself.. lost that 3.5kg that i gained back not long ago.. to tell everybody the truth.. i haf been eating.. i'm not aneroxic or bulimic.. time just flies when i eat now.. i take longer.. chew longer.. and i always feel the food stuck at my throat after i finish.. one packet of rice seem too much for me now.. my stomach rumbles.. and everytime i cough.. i always pray i dun puke.. cause now.. even a cough induce vomitting.. tears welled up in my eyes everytime i try to prevent myself from vomitting.. feeling stress.. upset.. afraid just worsen the whole condition.. i really dun wanna see my specialist again.. it'll cost a bomb.. n i dun wanna rely on medication for the rest of my life.. he told me to manage my stress but i couldnt.. i'm a failure sometimes..
i'm tired.. i sleep abt 6-7 hrs a day.. but when i wake up, it feels like i didnt sleep the whole nite.. having to work in this condition toughens it more.. when i sleep, i can no longer tell if i'm dreaming or it's me that's thinking of things.. i'm like between the real world and dreamland.. i wake up feeling more stress, more upset, more afraid.. melissa, are you really ok?
i almost flare up at a client just now.. i was seeing myself raising my voice.. why.. she was unmotivated and it made me too.. i wanted to gif up.. i was begging her to do things.. when i was doing all that.. a voice at the back of my mind was questioning the rest of me.. "wad am i doing? how can i shout at a client? stop it melissa, stop it.. where's ur patience melissa? where's that smile u haf on melissa?" i really wanna answer those questions.. guess it makes a difference when a loved one ask u how was ur day.. how was work? what did you do? only i knew that importance.. it was difficult to convey in words how great that person was.. but was i even good in the first place.. maybe that's why i'm not worth his loving..
to channel all the anger, frustration, hatred.. that negative feelings to love somebody.. makes life different.. i lived in my own world.. one important thing i learnt in the relationship was to trust wad he said, it got me going, got me loving him more.. but it was trust that tore my heart apart.. but trust is wad still keep me alive..
loving somebody.. u loved before.. but wad if cause u're loved before, u are already history..
melie
8:28 pm
