oh gosh.. melissa.. u nd to wake up.. stop falling asleep during lessons.. stop feeling drowsy.. u are supposed to be awake when your friends present and when ur lecturer talks.. aiyo.. what have you been up to.. wake up.. dont let your friends down.. wake up..
why am i falling asleep.. dont i sleep enough at nite already.. i really try hard not to.. but then sometimes i just black out.. i dunno why.. i can still hear voices but the vision is all gone already..
melie
7:51 pm
well.. your eyes just gives you away no matter how you try to cover up for something.. you just cant hide.. no matter how you try to smile, even if u r sad, your eyes tells it all.. i realise i cant hide much animore.. that's y i fear when someone looks at me in the eye.. cause they can probably see the sadness.. my didi just told me a few days ago.. "jie.. haf u been crying.. can see from behind your eyes.. " i was too shock to say anithing..
i look sick meh.. i dun even noe i look pale.. jl say i'm like not here not there in sch today.. but i also dunno why.. y do i feel tired even though i slept early.. pt of saturation.. i cant believe i got choked on my phlegm today.. well.. probably the cough wouldnt go away..
on another note.. i like my fyp group.. it's fun having fyp meetings.. rina, lumpy, hannah, marni.. we haf one year together.. it's so going to be fun.. haha..
melie
11:02 pm
dear mummy,i'm sorry i haven been the greatest daughter.. sorry i have been crying late at night under my covers.. sorry i have been crying while in the showers where no one will hear the weeping or see the tears.. sorry i let you down.. mummy, i hate to be alone.. cause the sudden loneliness always sweep me away.. just like i'm the only one there.. in my own world.. there's only music to keep me company.. but the music now seems to be some inner voice inside me.. i get afraid of it.. every word of the lyrics seemed to be talking to me.. and somehow i respond to all that.. i am scare .. am i insane? mummy i know you love me.. but i cant seem to do what you want.. i'm scare you would shout or scold me.. please dont.. i dont want to hear any of those.. just like how you see me tear that day after daddy shouted at me.. please dont leave me alone.. stay with me.. mummy, i just tearing while typing all these.. i am afraid to let anybody see me like this.. even when didi ask what's wrong i couldnt say it.. his hug makes me wan to just cry in front of him but i could only hide behind him and not let him see it.. mummy.. i love you.. i'm sorryyour daughter
melie
9:21 pm
losing your pillar of strength..
losing your emotionally support..
losing your best friend..
all in a matter of seconds..
how do you get up from there..
i never did..
who would understand that kind of feeling..
cause your best friend left you
like you never existed in his life before..
melie
9:41 pm
我喜欢伤心时看飞机
我喜欢开心时把欢乐也带给大家
我喜欢哭泣时让男朋友拥抱
我喜欢无聊时有人陪
我喜欢想念时能讲出来
我喜欢累的时候静静的坐着看着心爱的人
我喜欢紧张时能听声他说的加油
我喜欢寂寞时他不停的吵着
我喜欢生病时他所给的关心
真希望能把喜欢的挂在嘴边
一直在看，看着别人走过
一直在想，想着以离去的他
一直在盼望，盼望梦成真
在人群中，寻找什么呢？东西？人？希望？
曾经是真实的东西，现在已变成一粒粒的泡泡了。。。随时蒸发在空气中。
melie
9:01 pm
not sure if it's the medicine's effect that is setting in.. cause feel like i'm floating.. 那种飘飘的感觉。。aniwae shall get on writing before i really get drowsy..10Maythanks to me n my planning, i nv did asked for a projector.. cause of sch work, i didnt haf time to call my uncle to check if i could borrow.. i asked my bro to help me ask.. cause i asked him to do a slide show for me too.. he forgot too.. i ended up being scolded by my mom..who in the end called my uncle for me.. my mom was in bad mood.. hf say she's probably stress by my bdae too.. well.. didnt go to sleep that day till abt 1 plus 2.. first time i stayed up so late since school started.. n i wasnt even doing anithing to prepare for my bdae (i cancelled any thoughts of decorating or prog, i shall just keep it as a party wif food n cake).. was preparing for all my proj meetings the next day.. but my mind always wandered off thinking if i forgot to pack something for the chalet.. well thanks to a few frenz, i managed to last thru the nite to do my stuff..
thanks kevin, hf, wb.. 11Mayat the stroke of midnight, weixian sms me happie birthday.. was kinda happy to receive her sms ;) it kinda woke me up abit from all the readings.. den came zhilong's sms.. ha.. actually i was physically, mentally, emotionally tired.. thoughts abt cancelling the party ran thru my mind.. when i had to start planning for the party 4 months ago, i actually considered not having the party but just a simple affair with loved ones..
in the end, i went to sleep feeling scare, nervous, excited, tired.. how to face such a big crowd alone..
morning showers greeted me when i woke up.. showers of joy or tears from heaven.. dad drove me to sch since it was pouring n i had to bring laptop to sch.. wore skirt n a new top.. well.. i tried smiling.. started getting a headache after lunch.. couldnt breathe well during psycho dysfx lesson.. it was stuffy in the room..
(my prelude to falling sick..) cause was waiting for 4pm to leave, i slept for a while in the room, only to "get caught" by my lecturer when she came into the room.. haha.. had to pretend later and asked her questions for my proj.. haha.. somehow during the conversation, we didnt seem to be speaking on the right frequency.. aniwae.. left sch at 4 plus.. chung ming offered to fetch hf n i there.. we could haf reach the chalet at 5 plus but we only got there at 6 cause he wanted to wash his car (n he made multiple wrong turns to the petrol ksiok, as usual).. well got ice cream to eat.. ha.. my head was still pounding..
at the chalet, there was nothing much to do except watch tv, slack n guide lost souls to the chalet.. hf forbid me to the room cause she was doing secretive stuff.. ha.. oh well.. rotted for 1 hr plus before my first friend arrived.. wei xian!!! hee.. alwyn sent her there.. den came ain.. chatted wif them abit.. i felt abit feverish already but when i got busy, i didnt haf much time to think of it.. many ppl got lost.. ha.. the food seemed quite nice esp the layout.. haha..
hf helped create a really unique reception.. damn cool.. really really like it!! thanks gal!! my hand was kinda shaky when i was cutting cake.. dunno y.. mayb i haven eaten much.. took some pictures.. realise didnt take much photos.. ha..
minli created a slide show for me instead of my bro.. super touched.. thanks girls.. i finally got sabo.. minli n hf lifted me off the ground n into the toilet.. i got drenched instantly.. had to get back but started shivering once i was out of the toilet.. had a bad premonition.. i normally wouldnt shiver esp it wasnt cold.. den came the cake.. thanks to hf.. after that she splashed fruit punch right into my face.. ha.. both minli n hf had all these planned so that i could go bathe n change into the dress they bought.. ha.. nice nice.. i loved the bag they bought.. haha.. well.. most ppl left by then.. ha.. the funny thing was i thought yinghui, jinghui, john n ziliang left already but somehow i heard zl's voice from behind a wall.. ha.. then i realise john n zl haven left.. haha.. they r like some intruders to a party, in a world of their own.. haha.. the yec ppl, john, zl n hf stayed on till past midnight.. we den went to see some haunted place in pasir ris.. cause cant go in, we went back to changi village to see stuff.. haha.. some are really pretty.. hee.. it was 2 plus when we got back to chalet.. my parents locked their room n all my things were stuck inside.. john, zl n hf stayed over.. we played dai dee till 4 plus.. ha.. had 2 hrs of slp.. ha..
12 Mayjin hsien, hf n i took cab down to rv for amazing race.. i thought my sore throat would go away so i didnt care abt it.. weizong fractured his ankle, hope u'll get well soon.. the sun was sorching at sentosa.. the headache came back abit.. whole body was aching too.. like flu symptoms.. by the end of the race, i really felt feverish n my voice changed already.. losing my voice very quickly.. took a train n bus back to chalet after that.. i was shivering really badly during my shower even though i turned on the heater to max.. ha.. to0k some panadol, praying that i'll get better cox i got yec meeting the next day..
13Mayin the end, didnt quite make it to the meeting.. fever didnt subside.. whole body ached.. blocked nose, no voice.. took another panadol n parecetamol at nite.. temp hit a high of 39.4 degrees.. didnt wan to take med cause tot it was subside but had to in the end cause temp was rising too fast.. rested most of the day except reading the journal articles for my final year proj..
14 Maydidnt attend sch in the morn.. went to see the doc.. still had fever.. doc gave a few med n 2 days mc n instructed me to stay at home.. cant take my napfa on thurs le under her orders.. my bro was very sweet, he told me to take cab home n he'll pay me the money when he get home but by the time he called i was on the bus le.. ha.. he bought some cold pad for fever.. hee.. he also bought honey lemon water for me..
15 Maymommy: happie birthday..
home on mc..
melie
1:16 pm
it's finally may.. a month that i haf been looking forward to the past 2 years.. well.. i used to look forward to it i suppose.. afterall i had the idea of spending it wif someone special.. am i doing everything now just to cover up for something else.. i dont know any more..
my lecturer recommended me a book to read for a proj.. "
depression by dorothy rowe".. i expected it to be a faq book or journal that sort of book.. but when i started reading, i realise it's like a non fiction book.. like autobiography that sort of stuff.. i felt for some of the stuff the book said.. how true my mind would think.. tot i share some of it .. but i realise there's alot.. mayb i'll share bit by bit..
there is a difference between being depressed and being unhappy, and when you have experienced both you know what this difference is...Depression is a prison where you are both the suffering prisoner and the cruel jailer...How can you describe this experience and convey its meaning to someone else? Saying that you are depressed, or really down, or fed-up, can mean to another person no more than the Monday morning blues, or something you could snap out of if you really tried. But you know that it is not a passing mood or something that will vanish if you try to 'pull yourself together'. Ther turmoil of your feelings is so great that it is impossible to know where to begin to describe them. So it is better to remain silent... The fear permeates your life, undermining your confidence, until the smallest decision becomes an impossibly difficult task... You have become an expert in guilt. Every action or every omission of an action you can interpret as a cause for guilt. You have failed yourself and failed other people. You have not lived up to your expectations of youself. You have not ensured the total happiness of the people around you. You review the stupidities and failures of your life and punish youself for crimes known and unknown, while all the time you beg yourself for peace.. Perhaps the loved one has not died but has gone away and loves another. 'Find someone else,' say your friends, but how can you do that when the defection of the loved one proves that you are unlovable? And how can anyone else know how important the unfaithful one was to you? ..You are filled with grey and heavy indifference, even towards people who were once important to you. Love has fled, leaving only an awareness of an absence of love. ...Irritable and miserable, you push people away from you, and then get scared that they will go and leave you all alone. So you pretend that everything is all right. You try and smile and to be ordinary, but the pretence is so wearying and inside you are silently screaming... ..Knowing that you are bad you must constantly struggle to be good, to present an acceptable face to the world.. You can never be yourself, since if people knew what you are really like they would reject you. You might be wearing a mask or playing a role for so long that, even if you wanted to, you could not be yourself because you do not know who you are or what you are really like and you dare not take the risk of finding out..k that's all i have to share for now..
sch is busy.. but the mind doesnt listen to the body..
..an impossible birthday wish..
melie
2:07 pm
