it's finally may.. a month that i haf been looking forward to the past 2 years.. well.. i used to look forward to it i suppose.. afterall i had the idea of spending it wif someone special.. am i doing everything now just to cover up for something else.. i dont know any more..
my lecturer recommended me a book to read for a proj.. "
depression by dorothy rowe".. i expected it to be a faq book or journal that sort of book.. but when i started reading, i realise it's like a non fiction book.. like autobiography that sort of stuff.. i felt for some of the stuff the book said.. how true my mind would think.. tot i share some of it .. but i realise there's alot.. mayb i'll share bit by bit..
there is a difference between being depressed and being unhappy, and when you have experienced both you know what this difference is...Depression is a prison where you are both the suffering prisoner and the cruel jailer...How can you describe this experience and convey its meaning to someone else? Saying that you are depressed, or really down, or fed-up, can mean to another person no more than the Monday morning blues, or something you could snap out of if you really tried. But you know that it is not a passing mood or something that will vanish if you try to 'pull yourself together'. Ther turmoil of your feelings is so great that it is impossible to know where to begin to describe them. So it is better to remain silent... The fear permeates your life, undermining your confidence, until the smallest decision becomes an impossibly difficult task... You have become an expert in guilt. Every action or every omission of an action you can interpret as a cause for guilt. You have failed yourself and failed other people. You have not lived up to your expectations of youself. You have not ensured the total happiness of the people around you. You review the stupidities and failures of your life and punish youself for crimes known and unknown, while all the time you beg yourself for peace.. Perhaps the loved one has not died but has gone away and loves another. 'Find someone else,' say your friends, but how can you do that when the defection of the loved one proves that you are unlovable? And how can anyone else know how important the unfaithful one was to you? ..You are filled with grey and heavy indifference, even towards people who were once important to you. Love has fled, leaving only an awareness of an absence of love. ...Irritable and miserable, you push people away from you, and then get scared that they will go and leave you all alone. So you pretend that everything is all right. You try and smile and to be ordinary, but the pretence is so wearying and inside you are silently screaming... ..Knowing that you are bad you must constantly struggle to be good, to present an acceptable face to the world.. You can never be yourself, since if people knew what you are really like they would reject you. You might be wearing a mask or playing a role for so long that, even if you wanted to, you could not be yourself because you do not know who you are or what you are really like and you dare not take the risk of finding out..k that's all i have to share for now..
sch is busy.. but the mind doesnt listen to the body..
..an impossible birthday wish..
melie
2:07 pm
