if only the story is that simple
hey bixia, thanks for ur message.. i really hope to solve it but somehow, parents think by keeping stuff from their children, it wont affect their children that much. they think by solving it themselves or keeping to themselves, the family wouldnt change much.. i'm sorry to say.. it doesnt happen that way.. i find it very irresponsible of them to tell us not to worry and they will take care of things.. please.. if i wasnt blood related to you, maybe i wouldnt feel anything.. but having been a family for 21 years, i do feel the tension, the sadness.. as if i cant tell from your swollen red eyes that you cried, cant tell from your facial expression that you are sad and depress.. i hurt too k..
when u finally cannot take it, i haf to take on that responsibility.. do all 21 year olds feel this way too.. u say u want to hear the laughter back in the house.. seriously.. how do u expect everyone to behave like normal now.. and u blame the other for causing this mess.. what's the point of saying.. u r just making urself even sadder.. IT'S NOT GOING TO HELP IN ANYWAY.. i get piss easily now.. cause i see how everyone is giving in to you.. how long will it last.. it didnt wuite last from me cause i gave u a piece of my mind when i couldnt take it.. finding fault in little things u can find.. getting upset from all those things.. starting a quarrel just like that.. u call that trying to patch things together.. apart from doing all those stuff together.. seriously.. what is really going on..
i noe it hurts having to listen to what she said the other day, little brother.. i noe u fear when u haf to be alone with them.. just wanna tell you.. you will be loved.. i will always and try to be there for u.. i will only be gone for 1 year.. we still have each other.. at least.. i wont leave you behind even if we have to leave..
..tears flows down as my smile comes up..
melie
10:48 pm
it hasnt ended..the whole drama episode.. to my disappointment.. well i knew it hasnt ended.. it just got abit secretive.. i might end up wif a dysfunctional family.. mayb it is already considered as one.. now i feel the responsibility to hold everyone together.. to keep their sanity.. will i keep mine.. some how.. are the 2 little ones only the ones thinking straight.. realise logic and sense doesnt quite come to anyone now.. seriously..
i dun wan to be the one deciding the future.. i dun want to be put at a spot.. i cant be there forever.. i cant decide for u.. u haf to decide yourself.. either decisions, i will still leave u one day.. i think she didnt quite realise that point.. unless she decided i shld stay by her forever.. mayb the nunnery would be a good choice..
to not think so much, i force myself to stay up at nite till i'm tired.. it doesnt matter if i'm tired in the day as long as i sleep throughout the nite.. the main principles are to not be caught in tears.. to be there for your brother .. and stay as strong as possible.. though the inner wall is no where near healed.. it just got wounded more.. day after day.. u know.. 祸不单行.. if not for my bro, i would haf chosen to stay away for a while..
my bagpack from hk broke le.. thanks to me.. it's 2 months old only.. well done melissa...
haven got an outfit for bgm.. sucks and it's this sat.. but i'm lo0king forward to camping out on fri nite.. tickets sales are not good.. sian..
melie
10:14 pm
i wish i could say i am better.. but i think not.. i wish i could move out for a while.. but i cant leave my bro alone..
the drama has mellowed with my bro and i haf no idea wad's going on.. they are trying to solve this whole thing themselves.. but seriously.. i dunno wad's the result will be.. how much they say in front of my bro and i will be the truth? wad the hell went wrong?..
i dont dare to ask why though my curiosity is super high.. i'm scare to know the truth.. if you were here, wad would u haf told me..
i haven started crying.. think it haven really settled into me yet.. just like 6 months ago ba.. wonder how long i'll be able to hold before i break apart again..
i'm starting to hate 2007.. does it have to be like this throughout this year.. mayb it'll be a record that i cry at least twice a week for these 52 weeks.. mayb this is all to test my limit.. test when i'll just break down or succumb to all these.. how bad can life be, how bad?.. i can no longer run to you and hide under your covers..
melie
10:13 pm
suppose to have updated those stuff i mentioned before.. but nv really had the mood to do so after work started.. so why am i here.. typing this.. cause today's been a bad day.. worse ever since my break up i suppose..
it started in the morning.. suppose to be like any other.. but k.. there was a twist.. just like an episode in the drama serials.. not sure if i should go into details but seriously.. i dunno wad i should do.. my heart cant take this anymore.. now i'm just staring into space.. the heart so numbed from any feelings.. the eyes so dry from crying so often.. k i haven cried since morning.. teared here and there while waiting for my patients.. but then.. fear is wad that is killing me..
wad is 2 and a half decades of relationship worth? to know that your spouse had an affair.. it would surely pain ur heart.. it would hurt pretty badly.. k.. it hurt so badly that the party wanted to commit suicide.. one would think that this is part of a korean drama serial.. but it's not.. it's happening.. happening right before my very eyes.. to think that the party didnt commit suicide cause of me.. makes it not very easy.. how will you answer if that suicidal party ask you wad will u do if he or she dies? how will you answer if he or she ask if you would take care of ur sibling.. how will you feel if you are told to hold that person harder cause that person is heart broken.. fear just overwhelmes.. when one party is willing to leave and you are put in the spot to decide if they should break up.. wad will you do?
i dont wan to be the reason that person is alive.. i am scare.. i wanna run away from home.. but if i do, i'm scare that person will take his or her life.. now even leaving home is scary.. i dont want to come home seeing a scene i dont want to.. or wake up to find that something happened.. how now?..
crying every nite to sleep is enough.. but now having to live in more fear is tough.. i wanted desperately to call you immediately but i couldnt.. on the way to work today, during the day's work.. it was tough getting by.. having to put up smiles in front of patients, act as if there's nothing seriously wasnt easy.. i wanted to curl up to cry out but i couldnt.. i cant pay attention, i'm scare that a call will come to tell me the worse..
first the break up, then grandpa's not well.. not this.. i dunno how much longer i can hold.. i'm broken up inside already.. the whole outer cover cant hold on much longer..
melie
9:16 pm
