suppose to have updated those stuff i mentioned before.. but nv really had the mood to do so after work started.. so why am i here.. typing this.. cause today's been a bad day.. worse ever since my break up i suppose..
it started in the morning.. suppose to be like any other.. but k.. there was a twist.. just like an episode in the drama serials.. not sure if i should go into details but seriously.. i dunno wad i should do.. my heart cant take this anymore.. now i'm just staring into space.. the heart so numbed from any feelings.. the eyes so dry from crying so often.. k i haven cried since morning.. teared here and there while waiting for my patients.. but then.. fear is wad that is killing me..
wad is 2 and a half decades of relationship worth? to know that your spouse had an affair.. it would surely pain ur heart.. it would hurt pretty badly.. k.. it hurt so badly that the party wanted to commit suicide.. one would think that this is part of a korean drama serial.. but it's not.. it's happening.. happening right before my very eyes.. to think that the party didnt commit suicide cause of me.. makes it not very easy.. how will you answer if that suicidal party ask you wad will u do if he or she dies? how will you answer if he or she ask if you would take care of ur sibling.. how will you feel if you are told to hold that person harder cause that person is heart broken.. fear just overwhelmes.. when one party is willing to leave and you are put in the spot to decide if they should break up.. wad will you do?
i dont wan to be the reason that person is alive.. i am scare.. i wanna run away from home.. but if i do, i'm scare that person will take his or her life.. now even leaving home is scary.. i dont want to come home seeing a scene i dont want to.. or wake up to find that something happened.. how now?..
crying every nite to sleep is enough.. but now having to live in more fear is tough.. i wanted desperately to call you immediately but i couldnt.. on the way to work today, during the day's work.. it was tough getting by.. having to put up smiles in front of patients, act as if there's nothing seriously wasnt easy.. i wanted to curl up to cry out but i couldnt.. i cant pay attention, i'm scare that a call will come to tell me the worse..
first the break up, then grandpa's not well.. not this.. i dunno how much longer i can hold.. i'm broken up inside already.. the whole outer cover cant hold on much longer..
melie
9:16 pm
