yea abi i guess i'm growing faster than u this yr.. this week come and go pretty much smooth sailing.. until the weekend.. well.. had dinner pretty much at my aunt's place cause my grandpa was in hospital.. it's easier to visit him from there.. thurs went for a pedicure the first time.. well.. another money spending moment.. fri all was well til night.. went supermarket for marketing.. ha.. had a alumni's gathering at my house.. and i'm pretty happy with wad i've done as a host that day until it happened.. well.. i cooked and everything.. minli helped in preparing potato salad.. marvellous.. ha.. anyway, prepared bee hoon and other small stuff.. first time cooking.. ha.. my kitchen is still intact.. ok.. everything was going fine until i received a call from korea.. well my first instinct was they probably going to ask how's my cooking but the other side of me thought "oh shit.. must be something happen" cause calling means it's urgent.. and it was really is emergency.. i talked to a point i was shouting into my phone which i could tell anyone within 10m radius could hear me.. as i was standing at the back, i think my neighbours could hear me.. oh well.. i didnt really care.. i was damn frustrated and helpless that my mom started a korean drama episode in korea itself.. i got really worked out.. i was shouting to my parents.. i cant even believe myself but i didnt want to stop myself either.. after much shouting, my mom agreed to calm herself down.. cause she was not.. NOT thinking LOGICALLY.. i know it happens so at that point, i really tried my best to see if i could get anything into her head.. i was at the point of breaking down.. luckily i had my friends over.. after i cooled down, and hearing of jokes, i got better..
saturday was pretty ok.. luckily...met up with my uncle and aunt.. had a talk with them about my parents.. seriously, one can surely hide the truth.. probably face matters so much more.. i'm already so tired to not bother how others look at me or my family.. what if anyone knows.. somehow they will one day know.. see what you've become from keeping all to yourself.. i dunno how to help you also..
well slept late on sat night cause watched tv and made sure my bro slept and not play xbox thru out the night.. ok.. i woke up at 7am.. dunno why.. but just as my phone rang.. as i was walking to my dresser to get my phone.. i prayed it wasnt from any relatives related to my father's side or my parents.. once enough already.. ok.. it's my parents.. i tried telling myself, maybe they called to check on us or tell us about their flight tmr.. ok.. cheating myself of the truth.. ok.. new story this time.. am i suppose to get all excited.. mayb it was morning and i was in a closed bedroom so i didnt quite shout again.. but no matter wad i say, didnt quite get thru to the other end.. in terms of understanding.. so i started giving up already cause no matter how i persuaded, it's not working this time.. so as i talked, tears started rolling.. i was crying and talking.. i was throwing facts at her face.. when i talk to my dad, we both agree it's time she needs medical help.. we are all exhausted already.. know any psychaitrist?.. i have another day to find out before they return.. she refused to talk to me after she heard me crying.. think she started too.. or she heard me.. after i put down the phone, i couldnt stop the tears at all.. i just sat at my bro's bed and cried for another 20 mins before i stopped.. i couldnt slp so i watched tv.. all the crap that was on.. before dozing off in front of the tv.. i'm mentally tired.. really.. wad a start to the day.. got me all not motivated to do another.. hate myself..
i am pretty upset myself.. i know there's not much i can do at this point in time anymore.. it's beyond any of our control anymore.. i couldnt start her on any thought-stopping techniques.. i'm suspecting depression or bipolar disorder.. her mood swing abit to drastic and she seems to be delusioned.. oh man.. what can i say.. 2007.. haix..
i wanna share wad i read from a book.. mayb not today.. mood not right..
melie
6:03 pm
when you are given time to prepare for the worse.. i think many go into denial.. i'm one of them.. today is the third day that my ye ye is admitted.. doc say yesterdae that we must be prepared that he might go anytime.. so my aunts have sort of started the preparation of preparing for his death that sort of thing.. signing the medisave form thing.. finding a suitable photo for him.. well... i'm given a task to find a photo after i did that video for him.. cant rmb if i saw a black and white photo of him.. many times when i see him, i always end up tearing.. to see him in a state like that now.. it hurts.. he has grown so thin now.. unable to sit out of bed.. no more doing of crossword puzzles.. i dunno wad to do.. and then again.. i'm suppose to be strong..
i hate electronic search.. i'm bad at it.. dunno how to search.. argh..
i am scare.. i lost trust and faith in everything i do.. even the closest people around me.. sometimes i lose faith in them.. time and time after disappointment, i just dont see the reason why i should be upset but i still do..
gotta go for lunch.. back later
1.30pm
back from lunch
my mind is too flustered to think our anything coherant now.. my mind is like flying everywhere.. cant keep my mind at one place now.. very scattered.. been thinking.. like now.. we are supposed to be prepared for the worse.. will the person himself knows what happening to himself?.. i have a feeling they do.. somehow something tells me he's not yet ready to let go.. (or is it me).. the expression of his face.. the agony that he shows when he's in pain.. the tiredness in his eyes.. but somehow there's something..
cant think of anything that will make sense.. my whole mind is filled with things i should do.. it's in a mess.. everything is.. oh man..
melie
12:00 pm
this is for abi.. ha.. and all those interested in reading.. well.. cause abi personally instructed me to update..k.. had wanted to but been back in sch since the start of hols doing my fyp (final year proj).. by the time i reach sch, there's not much time to type an entry.. by the time my proj ends, it's time to go home or haf dinner before my gastric sets in.. ha.. well.. when i reach home i'll be in denial of turning on my com to see anymore words.. enough for one day.. really.. since i'm on the topic of fyp, shall update on it..
as holidays have started after 2 months of attachment, it should be holiday.. well.. most ppl our age do get to enjoy their holidays.. going overseas, and do wad haf you la.. but for some of us.. esp my grp.. we got not so much time to really go overseas la.. we can la.. but to me it's more stressful in a way.. aniwae.. from 17 sept 07, i've been back in sch from mon to sunday.. from 10.30am till 6 plus 7.. well yesterdae was a record as yet cause rina n i stayed till 8.. haha.. we have been looking thru journals.. all that is related to my proj.. that's about 800 bound copies of it.. to think that we manage to go thru them in 3 days.. we (marni, rina n i) were quite proud of ourselves.. haha.. we were exhausted by the end of each day.. ahaha.. aniwae.. yesterdae while going thru the reference list of each article that we found.. 56 of them, still haven finish them after 1 day.. ha.. we haf decided to go to nus lib to look at the bound journals that they haf.. we haf wanted to just enter the lib.. but i hiam.. haha.. so we are seeking approval from our manager to endorse a letter for us.. well.. bx offered her matrix card... it's her term break but she's gotta go back almost everyday!! k.. mayb all 3rd years haf sad lives if they have proj.. well.. but i love my proj mates.. think marni, rina n i kinda bonded much more these few days while we did hand search.. my other 2 group mates are busy with the electronic search.. hope they still surviving.. haha.. we kinda hide at the corner of the lib, right at the end (basically that's where there is the most no of power points and where the journals are at).. so we just do wad we r not suppose to do in the lib (make it our home).. we play music, munch on sweets (except on marni who's fasting).. take off our footwear and walk barefoot around... ha.. sit at any comfortable position.. ha.. we normally target to finish one whole trolley of journals before breaking for lunch (half hr) then we contd again after that.. ha.. k.. sometimes we look like librarians when we arrange the journals that we haf taken back to the shelf (we haf seriously combed all shelves for missing journals.. and given the sch librarian a list (of about 20) of journals that we cant find.. they dont believe us la.. we not that bad to not look for it ourselves first k..
enough of fyp.. todae is a break from having go back to sch.. suppose to help in the electronic search.. oh well.. that'll be later..
met up with my jie on wed for dinner.. we were too ambitious.. well.. i was.. ha.. cause i agreed to the set meal.. i forgot i cant eat as much now.. but the time we finish.. almost all the food we cleared la.. we were seriously full and filled to the brim.. ha.. i felt like puking.. haha.. but i enjoy talking to her.. she hasnt changed much.. look almost the same.. hee.. so fun talking to her.. hee.. mayb my jie and i went thru similar stuff ba.. especially this yr.. i didnt noe how to comfort her cause i noe there's nothing i can say to make her feel better.. i would haf known myself better.. i could only listen to wad she has to say.. she told me how she haven since her fren after she had gotten back n how he's probably getting married next yr.. i could only tell her time will help probably.. i'm not sure how true.. but that's wad most ppl say.. i didnt sound convincing probably.. her reply was, she'll probably forget abt him if she gets attached again.. mayb ba.. i forgot to ask her why she wanna meet up with him, wad's she gonna say to him besides 'how are you'.. should haf walked home with her.. ha.. oh well.. our batch of ventures should meet up with her soon.. ha.. though there are a few who are not around.. 3 to be exact.. ha..
i'm not sure if they'll make it overseas on monday.. each day, everything is different.. u noe like el nino is happening in my own house.. sometimes it's calm and smooth sailing, sometimes it's a typhoon.. i got home on wed to find my parents on the extreme ends of the couch.. my dad had a serious face so i noe something bad must haf happened.. retreated to my bro's room who's been playing his xbox these few days.. he said my dad wanted to leave the house but my mom refused to let him do that.. it's cause of an email my mom sent.. when i saw that email.. i seriously wanted to blow up too.. pissed me off yet again.. can i tell my dad i wan to leave too.. heh.. so i just ignored them.. washed up and just stayed in my room to watch tv.. well.. had been doing that.. minimal movt out of the room.. the only other place i frequent is the bathroom or my bro's room.. other than that.. i stay put on my bed.. i hate the atmosphere at home.. sian.. well dad yesterdae say i should get the set up box in my room changed to the digital one.. fine with me cause i get to watch more channels on cable.. ha..
tues i think i was seriously a loner.. that night at 10, there was nothing on tv to watch so i hopped to my bro's room to see if i could talk to him but he was busy skyping his gf.. so i retreated back to my room.. didnt wan to go out to the living room.. so i decided to wait for my bro to finish talking.. but after 5 mins it doesnt seem to change so i decided to just cuddle up on my bed and slp at 10pm.. my mom thought i was sick so she came in to check... luckily i wasnt like tearing so much to cause a change in voice.. ha.. manage to hide some parts.. hee.. somehow i probably got tired from tearing and i fell to slp.. but i woke up at 1am suddenly.. hannah smsed me which i ignored.. ha.. i forwarded a sms for my class before returning back to my bed.. then i couldnt fall straight back to slp so decided to visit the bathroom.. i notice my bro's room door was close.. well my bro n i only close our door to slp if we got air con on.. i went to check it out if i get to turn on the air con too.. but no leh.. his air con not on.. so i open the door to find my bro playing his xbox which got me pretty pissed cause he had sch the next day and he's suppose to be slping.. he got the hint that he should be slping so he went to slp after that.. y does he always risk himself getting scolded.. very fun ar.. oh well.. jun tell him to slp early k..
by the number of times they quarrel in a week.. which is almost everyday.. i'm not sure if they'll make it to the airport next mon.. sian.. i nd a break.. from them sorry to say.. i cant leave the country cause i told a lie.. white lie.. i not sure if i haf the courage to tell them i wanna go on a trip with my course mates.. communication has gotten to the minimal.. think it's my fault cause i refused to communicate.. wadever la.. i'm cold and heartless.. ha..
oh ya.. abi.. thanks for ur invitation into that society of yours.. ha.. heard u recently started another club which has an overseas branch too.. haha..
minli.. when's the tree top walk.. hee..
bx.. hope wed works out for us to meet up.. if not i'll just meet up with u.. ha..
muhd & cs.. thanks for msning.. hee..
yw.. let's try to meet up next wk.. hee..
recently gotten a few cds and books.. shall talk abt them next time cause i'm going to be late for my hairdresser appt.. haha..
I just want to run * Just want to hide away * Close my eyes to your gaze
Just want to leave * Don't want to hear them say * "You're no good at this"
When the world swirls with naysayers * Broken wings and torn pages
The road ahead, drowning in my tears.
Scars (Stronger For Life) by Corrinne May
melie
8:34 am
i got a new bag pack!! well.. almost gave up buying one cause i didnt noe who to choose.. well.. i still dunno whether the one i bought was ok.. i felt terrible lost then.. when i saw those big bags for back packing one.. was tempted to buy.. how come i feel nothing when i spend alot now.. haix.. sometmes i wonder why am i saving.. k.. sian..
oh well.. mayb i should save in case i have to grow old alone.. after all that i've been thru.. feel kinda scare n afraid.. wad if nothing's going to go right.. wad if things dont get better.. i have to go thru this whole turmoil day in day out.. sometimes i feel i might go into cardiac arrest.. with my emotions being toyed up and down.. it's hard for my mind to keep up with my emotions, and my body to keep up with my mind.. it sucks.. the problem at home is going in circles.. i cant wait for them to go overseas which is in a couple of weeks.. i'm relieved.. but i'm scare they start quarreling overseas and something bad might happen.. actually i live in fear everyday.. though she made a promise that she wont kill herself.. but there's a possibility that she will.. when she left the house yesterdae nite.. i didnt feel anything.. it crossed my mind to run after her but i didnt.. my heart was very numbed already.. my body didnt wan to move.. i just left it as there with my dad chasing after her.. am i becoming heartless and cold.. from all that emotions that i went thru.. i no longer want to feel hurt so i portray a more cold and heartless self.. i'm protecting myself but i still get hurt.. cause no one can protect me anymore, it is just me myself and i.. the only other i care about now is my brother.. my friends are always there but i dont want to trouble them with my problems.. might as well just keep it inside and cry it out when i cant hold it inside me anymore.. when will the day come when the door wont open and close so often, when will the day come where the whispering will come to an end..
i've got multiple somatic symptoms now.. wonder if it's psychological or not.. pounding headaches, painful knees.. rumbling stomach.. i got to admit.. i've got a stiff neck and shoulders from carrying a laptop to work and back with another bag in toll.. it was like a balancing act on my shoulders.. haix..
i just want to wrap myself up under my covers and stick my pillow under my head, hug my pooh bear as hard as i can and feel the warmth that will comfort me now..
melie
9:20 pm
my exam results are like shit.. totally sian diao.. totally disappointed.. totally upset.. n my gpa fall below wad a scholar should achieve..
i studied.. i did.. mayb nv enough.. wad went wrong.. i dunno.. i tried my best but it turned out this way.. i.. i hate this life now..
why cant the happy stuff suppress all these.. i wish they could.. i tried to think more of them but i end up crying instead..
got back from the president challenge event.. totally exhausted cause slept for like 4 hrs only.. minli stayed over last nite.. love it.. more slumber parties!!
oh ya happie birthday diane jie jie, desiree.. happie birthday uncle.. cant wish u personally now.. so yea..
melie
10:00 pm
