i got a new bag pack!! well.. almost gave up buying one cause i didnt noe who to choose.. well.. i still dunno whether the one i bought was ok.. i felt terrible lost then.. when i saw those big bags for back packing one.. was tempted to buy.. how come i feel nothing when i spend alot now.. haix.. sometmes i wonder why am i saving.. k.. sian..
oh well.. mayb i should save in case i have to grow old alone.. after all that i've been thru.. feel kinda scare n afraid.. wad if nothing's going to go right.. wad if things dont get better.. i have to go thru this whole turmoil day in day out.. sometimes i feel i might go into cardiac arrest.. with my emotions being toyed up and down.. it's hard for my mind to keep up with my emotions, and my body to keep up with my mind.. it sucks.. the problem at home is going in circles.. i cant wait for them to go overseas which is in a couple of weeks.. i'm relieved.. but i'm scare they start quarreling overseas and something bad might happen.. actually i live in fear everyday.. though she made a promise that she wont kill herself.. but there's a possibility that she will.. when she left the house yesterdae nite.. i didnt feel anything.. it crossed my mind to run after her but i didnt.. my heart was very numbed already.. my body didnt wan to move.. i just left it as there with my dad chasing after her.. am i becoming heartless and cold.. from all that emotions that i went thru.. i no longer want to feel hurt so i portray a more cold and heartless self.. i'm protecting myself but i still get hurt.. cause no one can protect me anymore, it is just me myself and i.. the only other i care about now is my brother.. my friends are always there but i dont want to trouble them with my problems.. might as well just keep it inside and cry it out when i cant hold it inside me anymore.. when will the day come when the door wont open and close so often, when will the day come where the whispering will come to an end..
i've got multiple somatic symptoms now.. wonder if it's psychological or not.. pounding headaches, painful knees.. rumbling stomach.. i got to admit.. i've got a stiff neck and shoulders from carrying a laptop to work and back with another bag in toll.. it was like a balancing act on my shoulders.. haix..
i just want to wrap myself up under my covers and stick my pillow under my head, hug my pooh bear as hard as i can and feel the warmth that will comfort me now..
melie
9:20 pm
