hey guys,
persevere on.. life's like that.. sometimes it just doesnt go right.. even how hard you try, how much you hang on.. things go out of hand.. we're like so funny.. encouraging each other and consoling each other though we have so many other problems personally.. life likes to play tricks on us.. we just hafta do wadever gets us by that time, may it be crying/getting angry/slacking.. we'll do wadever it takes to get our lives back on track.. things happen for a reason.. a reason i'm still finding.. jia you ba..
melie
11:54 pm
sometimes in class, i drift off suddenly.. into my sub conscious mind where i'm reminded of the many memories stored in there.. just read an old report i did 2 years back.. someone helped me edited it.. saw the traces he left behind.. i'm no good at language.. wished i didnt hafta open it but i had to for my other report now.. this sem.. have a few modules that is not so common.. a philosophy module, business module, and a professional issue module.. they all require something that i'm not good at..
melie
10:39 pm
just like the breeze of wind.. time flew by pretty quickly.. nights at the wake gave me time to reflect.. just like most of my emotional stuff i have been facing through out this year.. the death of my ye ye took some time to settle in.. i thought i had accepted it when i heard the news after all, he was dying and everyone in the family knew it.. we had time to prepare ourselves, prepare for his death.. but somehow it still hurt a lot.. during the chanting and prayers sessions, it gave me alot of time to reflect.. reflect on myself as a person, reflect on the times i spent with my grandpa, reflect on the times when i was little and how the family used to be like.. i always tear.. just as they really close up the coffin and we had to say our final goodbyes.. it was the last straw for me.. it was especially bad for the last 5 grandchildren.. we really sobbed..
for me, he was my hope of holding my family together.. i thought with him around, my family will still be together.. without him now, i kinda lost hope.. with everyone in mourning and stuff, my mom still became hysterical.. she found any possible opportunity to find fault with my dad.. no matter how illogical the thing is, she insists that she is right and always right.. she listens to no one.. with all the promises she made, i never believed in anyone she said anymore after she broke the first one.. i lost hope in keeping the family together.. lost hope in talking to her.. lost hope in trying to even reason out with her.. i hate it.. she does wadever she likes, she treats me like i'm not there when she's angry at me (for wad reason i have no idea).. at times like these when i feel that my existence at home doesnt matter.. thoughts of packing my bag and leaving everything behind appears so vividly..
wish i had the chance to pay tribute to my grandpa at the crematorium.. had the speech all written.. just that there was not enough time to do it cause another coffin had to be cremated 15 mins later.. my aunt told me to prepare it to thank the people for coming on behalf of the family.. but didnt get the chance to do it.. watching the coffin go into the furnace, i couldnt help but cry.. but i knew if i cried, i had to pick myself up myself.. no one will be there to give u a hug or hold your hand to support you.. from the time when everything in my life turned bad, i drifted away from my family.. esp my parents.. esp after my grandpa passed away, i have not spoken much to them.. i lost much of my patience, lost faith in them, lost hope to dream..
melie
11:16 pm
29 March 1917 - 24 October 2007
Hope is the thing with feathersThat perches in the soul,And sings the tune without the words,and never stops at all.
-Emily Dickenson
9:40 am
was talking to abigail yesterdae.. well.. she's my company for the night.. for the nights i stay up late to do my fyp.. nights where my mom just throw me off my sanity.. nights where it gets so tough to get by halfway..
well.. topic of the night was the representation of the different important stuff one has.. for example what does your family represents, what does your friends represent.. abi says friends are like bands.. that's why it's called friendship band.. k.. not that it's funny or wad.. then she says family is like a cloth made from thread.. but i think family is like a safety net.. net like.. family probably started just nice and woven.. where u stay in that place very comfortably.. but as we get older, the safety net gets worn out.. holes start appearing cause of various reasons.. reasons like when u get scolded from doing something wrong.. setbacks in life.. tensions in life.. all causes these holes.. when we are younger, we get to repair these holes.. sew them back before it gets too big.. it cause such things happen only once in a while.. however as we get older, we think more differently from our parents, siblings.. that's when more conflicts happen.. the holes in the net just get bigger.. for me.. it got bigger over the years as the conflict was never settled, the hurt i felt inside, just build up.. now it has gotten abit too big to even mend anything.. after all that's happen in the family the past few months.. there's too many holes in the net to hold me inside.. i believe confidence also affect how big or small we are.. these few months, i felt i have shrunk.. shrink to a size where even small holes cant hold me inside the family safety net anymore.. at times, i dangle from the net.. at times i hang from it.. sometimes, it feels 0k to dangle from the net.. when everything is peaceful or wad, i dun mind dangling, it feels 0k.. but when the situation in the house gets abit tough, the net gets slippery to hold on.. then, i dunno if i should continue holding on or let go.. but now.. if i let go, there's nothing to catch me.. the chance of falling onto my friends' band is slim.. how long can i last there.. there used to be a safety net where i fell on when the family safety net just got too difficult to stay on.. now there's none.. not sure if it's worth holding on.. cause the more i hold on, the more upset i get at times..
melie
3:05 pm
going to uni next yr seems very bleak.. esp after what has happened with the scholarship side and the uni.. cant think straight these few days.. too preoccupied with too many things.. so i am really bad at all the organisation stuff. wish u were here to help.. so many choices to choose now.. wad should i do? feel kinda lost now cause wad i planned for next yr.. isnt going to turn out the way it should be.. i hate changes.. esp so last min.. there are so many unclear instructions that until now i dunno wad i should do..
staying up these few days to do my electronic search cause we dont have much time left.. pushed myself to the limit.. sometimes it's not abt me.. it's about testing my mom's tolerance.. she doesnt trust anymore.. i hate it.. then she gets all so paranoid that it affects me alot.. i hate it when i have to feel sad when i am doing my sch work.. it makes it seems it's all my fault and i am not doing work when i stay up late using the internet.. some people dont understand why i have given up trying to explain myself or reason out with her.. it's a simple reason cause i cant.. no matter what she's always right.. it's probably a waste of my energy to argue my stand cause in the end, she'll make me feel like shit.. she'll make me feel that i am in the wrong to argue with your mother and you just follow what she says.. she stares hard at you and makes sure u feel guilty about wad you do.. sometimes it is really that bad.. suddenly i will question my prescence in this world.. what's my worth.. there's no where else to run, no more shelter elsewhere.. so i feel even worse when i cant leave my home after this whole episode.. the only way to let all the emotions out is through the late nights reflections..
sem 2 started this week.. it's a crammy sem.. 12 weeks only.. just 12 more weeks to final year project presentation, datelines to reports and examination period.. all within that week.. then the final period of attachment gonna start after that for 6 weeks.. i lost fate in believing..
melie
1:41 am
"the brain knows other parts of the body best. But the brain took years to know thyself. and it is still in bewilderment." ( Lum, 2007)
something abi left me when i told her about my dreams i have been having.. just left it here so that i can remember..
something cheered me up todae.. one of the few things that happened good.. scored quite well for my clinicals.. but it's only short-lived..
melie
12:35 am
i dunno what to say.. suddenly my heart feel quite heavy..
thurs went well.. no quarrels.. glad my uncle and his wife came.. sometimes when i talk to my uncle or when he ask if everything alright, i'm always on the verge of breaking down.. somehow, mayb he can tell from my voice, he always ask if i'm crying.. it's always no cause i really wasnt crying yet.. everytime he says, dont worry we'll be there if you want us too.. brings comfort to a certain extent.. somehow the problem now is too much for me to take anymore.. i cant handle it anymore.. nothing i say makes an impact anymore.. cause when she's at it, she doesnt listens to anyone..
i have to admit i'm pretty stubborn myself.. everyone in the family knows where i got the genes from.. i know i haf this prob, i tried to be aware of it time and time again.. i always do..
i have been a pretty good girl last week.. stayed at home 3 days and really do what i'm suppose to do.. indulge myself in youtube to motivate me in doing my electronic search.. every day i spend 10 hours in front of the com searching.. i am slow.. nothing to be proud of.. just ashame.. halfway through my search now.. hundreds more of keywords to go.. some times when i get the hang of it.. i forget to eat.. too lazy to cook.. till todae.. i take my meals at weird timings.. so todae, my stomach kinda acting up again.. no gastric for me please.. i dont want any attention on me..
haven been feeling the greatest.. just been dragging myself through all the emotions slowly.. cause everytime i mend my heart abit, it gets wounded again.. now i'm so tempted to just leave the wound open.. mayb that's wad it is now.. i'm tired to mend it up.. lost sleep and appetite over this week.. suddenly just want to be left alone, dont talk.. it was probably hurting so badly that i just drown myself in words and watching nonsensical shows.. takes me to a place where it didnt hurt so much
can you believe it.. dreams can make you feel hurt and sad too.. when real life is not giving me the tortues, dreams take over the role.. how LUCKY.. i woke up on fri morn feeling utterly sad.. sad that i had to have such a dream.. falling back to sleep was a problem cause my mind was again invaded with him.. the only way to get him out of my mind was to write all the thoughts down.. sounds stupid right.. but through writing, i get to take some thoughts and troubles off my mind.. though it's temporary, but it helps with getting me along.. like now.. i know my blog sounds pretty random but i'm just clearing my mind off some things.. though i dont write it all out.. but i know i'm getting some of my sadness out of me..
melie
6:05 pm
we had all once been innocent.. but have anyone of us ever sang so innocently that it touches the heart of the people around you.. this little girl did more than touched the hearts of her family.. she touched the hearts of people who ever listened to her..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rI9OMiLlKL0&mode=related&search=
somehow listening to her sing.. made me feel abit better..
happy birthday dad.. i hope it will turn out better today..
melie
12:07 pm
dad's bdae on thurs..
wanted to book tony roma's but my mom suggested equinox.. it's damn exp.. she said something that really stirred my feelings.. got me abit pissed.. mayb i'm thinking too much.. but i'm not happy.. not at all.. trying to smile and cheer myself up but the tears are welling up..
calm down melissa calm down..
just rmb i got a new bear called strips.. ha.. but he's not as hugable as pooh..
no nightmares today k.. no calling for help or scolding someone in my nightmare k..
melie
11:34 pm
学会放手和不管的东西，为什么现在又要收回
everybody is getting confused with all that you have done.. cause we just keep the freedom you gave out.. why are you trying to control again.. it will just make us leave you further and further..
melie
9:15 pm
it's wierd isnt it.. when people have to tell you that you will be stronger after all these.. after you have survived and gone through the tough times, you will be stronger.. somehow.. it's a feelings we all can feel but not sure what it's call.. k.. maybe it's just me..
tough week had just gone by.. test of my emotions and mental well-being.. i try to be as positive as i can.. but seriously.. it's not easy.. cause it drains every part of me away.. in the end.. i'll be too tired to do anithing else.. which puts me in deep trouble.. plans dont get carried out.. maybe this is what you call as lazy..
every night every day.. i hear those quarrels.. it gets me all down.. i'm not trying to exagerate anything but i do hear them every night.. i heard them yesterday morning.. last night.. what they are quarreling about? i have no idea.. they try to whisper.. if not they do it behind close doors.. sometimes i really wonder whether i'm just imagining the whispers in the darknes.. i tried believing they were my imagination but it is for real..
my insonmia came back again.. that's probably why i get more upset cause i hear more quarrelings.. at home, it's either u sleep so early that no one is in bed yet, or you sleep like a pig that you dont hear anything noise or sound.. but for me.. as a light sleeper.. everything stirs me up for my sleep.. since i cant sleep early now.. i watch tv, read my journals.. just trying to keep calm so i can sleep.. but.. it's difficult.. it's like a mind battle every night.. battle the sadness and fear cause of the occasional voice of your parents you hear from their room though my room is the furthest away..
i also dont know why i get so upset from hearing something that happens ever so often.. but it hurts pretty alot at times.. this is probably when i get all quiet and keep to myself more.. so that i wont breakdown.. it's probably going to sound bizzare but sometimes i do feel i'm crying inside me already before the tears even show..
many people told me to be patient with my family and try to spend more time at home.. but i dont really do it sometimes cause it hurts much more to be at home.. sometimes to go home to find no one though it's already late at night.. sometimes to go home to find your parents had just quarreled or are quarreling.. i dont want to feel sad when i already am.. i dont want to have to cry myself to sleep..
but i'm glad.. i still have my friends around.. esp some of them.. they keep me company when it really gets tough.. stick with you no matter what happens... offer you advice.. but it's the company that matters to me more.. i couldnt ask for more..
melie
12:00 pm
SAND & STONE
TWO FRIENDS WERE WALKING THROUGH THE DESERT
DURING SOME POINT OF THE JOURNEY, THEY HAD AN ARGUMENT;
AND ONE FRIEND SLAPPED THE OTHER ONE IN THE FACE
THE ONE WHO GOT SLAPPED WAS HURT,
BUT WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING,
WROTE IN THE SAND
TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE
THEY KEPT ON WALKING, UNTIL THEY FOUND AN OASIS,
WHERE THEY DECIDED TO TAKE A BATH
THE ONE WHO HAD BEEN SLAPPED GOT STUCK IN THE MIRE!
AND STARTED DROWNING BUT THE FRIEND SAVED HIM.
AFTER HE RECOVERED FROM THE NEAR DROWNING,
HE WROTE ON A STONE:
'TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE'
THE FRIEND WHO HAD SLAPPED AND SAVED HIS BEST FRIEND
ASKED HIM, 'AFTER I HURT YOU, YOU WROTE IN THE SAND AND NOW,
YOU WRITE ON A STONE, WHY?'
THE FRIEND REPLIED 'WHEN SOMEONE HURTS US
WE SHOULD WRITE IT DOWN IN SAND,
WHERE WINDS OF FORGIVENESS CAN ERASE IT AWAY.
BUT, WHEN SOMEONE DOES SOMETHING GOOD FOR US,
WE MUST ENGRAVE IT IN STONE,
WHERE NO WIND CAN EVER ERASE IT'
LEARN TO WRITE YOUR HURTS IN THE SAND
AND TO CARVE YOUR BENEFITS IN STONE.
THEY SAY IT TAKES A MINUTE TO FIND A SPECIAL PERSON,
AN HOUR TO APPRECIATE THEM,
A DAY TO LOVE THEM, BUT THEN
AN ENTIRE LIFE TO FORGET THEM.
Shelter by Corrinne May
What's wrong, what's getting you down * Is it something I might have said? * You're walking around * with your head to the ground * and your eyes are watery red
I know you've been through tough times * Kicked around, thrown to the ground * but you've always been the strong one * So don't tell me that nobody gets you * 'cause I'm standing in your corner * Knocking at your door * You don't have to be alone
Just call my name * Let me be an answer * 'cause it hurts me to see you this way * I wanna ease your pain * Help me understand * Let me be your shelter my friend
We share a bond * You and I we belong * We're like coffee and morning trains * You strip my defenses, * I catch your pretences * The same blood runs through our veins * I swore I'd be your lifeline * Made a vow that I'd surround you with love at every milestone * I'll listen when nobody gets you * I'm still standing in your corner * Waiting by your door * You don't have to be alone
Just call my name * Let me be an answer * 'cause it hurts me to see you this way * I wanna ease your pain * Help me understand * Let me be your shelter my friend
It was not too long ago * You sought to understand * You helped me mend * Remember when * So promise me you'll
Call my name * Let me be an answer * 'cause it hurts me to see you this way * I wanna ease your pain * Help me understand * Let me be your shelter my friend
melie
10:05 am
