going to uni next yr seems very bleak.. esp after what has happened with the scholarship side and the uni.. cant think straight these few days.. too preoccupied with too many things.. so i am really bad at all the organisation stuff. wish u were here to help.. so many choices to choose now.. wad should i do? feel kinda lost now cause wad i planned for next yr.. isnt going to turn out the way it should be.. i hate changes.. esp so last min.. there are so many unclear instructions that until now i dunno wad i should do..
staying up these few days to do my electronic search cause we dont have much time left.. pushed myself to the limit.. sometimes it's not abt me.. it's about testing my mom's tolerance.. she doesnt trust anymore.. i hate it.. then she gets all so paranoid that it affects me alot.. i hate it when i have to feel sad when i am doing my sch work.. it makes it seems it's all my fault and i am not doing work when i stay up late using the internet.. some people dont understand why i have given up trying to explain myself or reason out with her.. it's a simple reason cause i cant.. no matter what she's always right.. it's probably a waste of my energy to argue my stand cause in the end, she'll make me feel like shit.. she'll make me feel that i am in the wrong to argue with your mother and you just follow what she says.. she stares hard at you and makes sure u feel guilty about wad you do.. sometimes it is really that bad.. suddenly i will question my prescence in this world.. what's my worth.. there's no where else to run, no more shelter elsewhere.. so i feel even worse when i cant leave my home after this whole episode.. the only way to let all the emotions out is through the late nights reflections..
sem 2 started this week.. it's a crammy sem.. 12 weeks only.. just 12 more weeks to final year project presentation, datelines to reports and examination period.. all within that week.. then the final period of attachment gonna start after that for 6 weeks.. i lost fate in believing..
melie
1:41 am
