i dunno what to say.. suddenly my heart feel quite heavy..
thurs went well.. no quarrels.. glad my uncle and his wife came.. sometimes when i talk to my uncle or when he ask if everything alright, i'm always on the verge of breaking down.. somehow, mayb he can tell from my voice, he always ask if i'm crying.. it's always no cause i really wasnt crying yet.. everytime he says, dont worry we'll be there if you want us too.. brings comfort to a certain extent.. somehow the problem now is too much for me to take anymore.. i cant handle it anymore.. nothing i say makes an impact anymore.. cause when she's at it, she doesnt listens to anyone..
i have to admit i'm pretty stubborn myself.. everyone in the family knows where i got the genes from.. i know i haf this prob, i tried to be aware of it time and time again.. i always do..
i have been a pretty good girl last week.. stayed at home 3 days and really do what i'm suppose to do.. indulge myself in youtube to motivate me in doing my electronic search.. every day i spend 10 hours in front of the com searching.. i am slow.. nothing to be proud of.. just ashame.. halfway through my search now.. hundreds more of keywords to go.. some times when i get the hang of it.. i forget to eat.. too lazy to cook.. till todae.. i take my meals at weird timings.. so todae, my stomach kinda acting up again.. no gastric for me please.. i dont want any attention on me..
haven been feeling the greatest.. just been dragging myself through all the emotions slowly.. cause everytime i mend my heart abit, it gets wounded again.. now i'm so tempted to just leave the wound open.. mayb that's wad it is now.. i'm tired to mend it up.. lost sleep and appetite over this week.. suddenly just want to be left alone, dont talk.. it was probably hurting so badly that i just drown myself in words and watching nonsensical shows.. takes me to a place where it didnt hurt so much
can you believe it.. dreams can make you feel hurt and sad too.. when real life is not giving me the tortues, dreams take over the role.. how LUCKY.. i woke up on fri morn feeling utterly sad.. sad that i had to have such a dream.. falling back to sleep was a problem cause my mind was again invaded with him.. the only way to get him out of my mind was to write all the thoughts down.. sounds stupid right.. but through writing, i get to take some thoughts and troubles off my mind.. though it's temporary, but it helps with getting me along.. like now.. i know my blog sounds pretty random but i'm just clearing my mind off some things.. though i dont write it all out.. but i know i'm getting some of my sadness out of me..
melie
6:05 pm
