just like the breeze of wind.. time flew by pretty quickly.. nights at the wake gave me time to reflect.. just like most of my emotional stuff i have been facing through out this year.. the death of my ye ye took some time to settle in.. i thought i had accepted it when i heard the news after all, he was dying and everyone in the family knew it.. we had time to prepare ourselves, prepare for his death.. but somehow it still hurt a lot.. during the chanting and prayers sessions, it gave me alot of time to reflect.. reflect on myself as a person, reflect on the times i spent with my grandpa, reflect on the times when i was little and how the family used to be like.. i always tear.. just as they really close up the coffin and we had to say our final goodbyes.. it was the last straw for me.. it was especially bad for the last 5 grandchildren.. we really sobbed..
for me, he was my hope of holding my family together.. i thought with him around, my family will still be together.. without him now, i kinda lost hope.. with everyone in mourning and stuff, my mom still became hysterical.. she found any possible opportunity to find fault with my dad.. no matter how illogical the thing is, she insists that she is right and always right.. she listens to no one.. with all the promises she made, i never believed in anyone she said anymore after she broke the first one.. i lost hope in keeping the family together.. lost hope in talking to her.. lost hope in trying to even reason out with her.. i hate it.. she does wadever she likes, she treats me like i'm not there when she's angry at me (for wad reason i have no idea).. at times like these when i feel that my existence at home doesnt matter.. thoughts of packing my bag and leaving everything behind appears so vividly..
wish i had the chance to pay tribute to my grandpa at the crematorium.. had the speech all written.. just that there was not enough time to do it cause another coffin had to be cremated 15 mins later.. my aunt told me to prepare it to thank the people for coming on behalf of the family.. but didnt get the chance to do it.. watching the coffin go into the furnace, i couldnt help but cry.. but i knew if i cried, i had to pick myself up myself.. no one will be there to give u a hug or hold your hand to support you.. from the time when everything in my life turned bad, i drifted away from my family.. esp my parents.. esp after my grandpa passed away, i have not spoken much to them.. i lost much of my patience, lost faith in them, lost hope to dream..
melie
11:16 pm
